Hand of the Laughing God

It’s a lot easier to be an asshole to words than people.

I bet that floating girl knows where Heaven is. D:<

I know you think I’m thick headed.  But please, the barbed comebacks and the constant reminders that I did this, this, and that in a stupid manner gets annoying.  I ask questions, even “stupid” ones, because I need information, not to annoy you.  I’m sorry if I bother you with my obliviousness.  I probably am far more stupid than I think I am, but still, its upsetting coming from you.

Today was a boring goddamn day.  It was spent cleaning up after three filthy mutts, doing chores that have little benefit to me but plenty of potential harm if I don’t do them, and other oh so terribly fun stuff.

I guess my biggest issue for today is that for some reason, I feel like people are keeping something from me.  You ever walk around, even in your own house, and it seems like everyone has that “Oh, its you” expression on their face?  Am I doing something to upset people?  Have I said something that has caused grief?  At first I feel worried, because my initial reaction is “Hmm, I must have screwed up somewhere.”  But this has been going on for some time now.  People are open with me one minute, and then get all goddamn cryptic the next and treat me like some moronic bystander who just doesn’t get it.  Needless to say, its starting to frustrate the shit out of me.

I can’t tell these people to stop doing it, because they would shut down and stop communicating with me, which really isn’t an emotional problem for me, but its a huge pain in the ass at times.  At least Karen seems to be relatively open at times. It would be great if I could call a collective meeting of people I know and just ask, “Okay, what in the hell is causing this reaction?  Just tell me so I can move on.”  Some weeks ago, my response to whatever the answer would be to try and fix the problem asap, but now I’m more skeptical that I even have one.  Hehe, I know.  Me…skeptical…shocker!

On a lighter note, while I did not get to see Karen today as originally hoped for, I will this weekend.  I find my reactions to that woman very strange at times.  I can get rather pissed at her at times (some justifiably, some not) but regardless of whether or not I’m bothered by something that she’s said or done, most of what I think about in the day is her.  Its not like my brother, who I’m fairly certain thinks about his girlfriend ALL THE FUCKING TIME (we’re playing COD4 today, and I barely win a standoff duel in which I should have lost, but it turns out it wasn’t skill that won it, he’s actually stopped playing do text his girlfriend with no outstanding reason to).  My mind is rather out of control right now, and Karen’s physical presence would do a great deal to set me at ease.  Suddenly, I realize that perhaps this paragraph wasn’t so much a lighter note xD

So today is bleh.  I’m going to bed, hoping I won’t be tortured in my dreams.  Yes, literally tortured.  Many people talk about worlds that find them or that they stumble upon (not the damn internet add-on).  Such places are often described as escapes or figments of wonderous imagination.  Mine are the closest a living person can get to hell.  I’ve seen loved ones raped and murdered, I’ve had to drink boiling oil, I’ve been decapitated over 3 days (yes, that means it took three full days for the decapitation to finish, and I felt it all).  I feel the realism all of you do.  I get swept up and taken away into worlds that may very well exist beyond what our organic senses can reveal to us.  Difference is pain.

On that happy fuckin’ note, good night folks.  Sleep better than me.

“Cowardice … is almost always simply a lack of ability to suspend the functioning of the imagination.”

-Ernest Hemmingway

“Hooray, I am 28 years old! I have officially outlived Kurt Cobain and Jimi Hendrix. New goal: outlive Jesus.”

Jeph Jacques, author of Questionable Content.

“Someone once told me to get a life; I pointed out that once you have a life, losing it means you’re dead. Not a good position to be in. Thus, using that logic, geekdom = immortality.”

Lastie, member of Warseer and author of P=R=I=M=A=R=C=H=S

My lovely girlfriend and I were verbally and emotionally dueling a few weeks ago, and in the rather heated exchange, I was professing why I love her, for various reasons. (No, I didn’t cheat on her, assuming that’s your first assumption).

My stated reasons for loving her were the usual, not unlike those you hear in the overpopulated genre of love songs and whatnot.  “I feel empty without you,” “you are very special to me,” “you make me so happy,” “I can be myself around you,” etc, etc.  And, true as my bones lay beneath my flesh, I meant every word.

But then she shocked me.  Very simply, she said “Its all about you, then?”

I was speechless.  For those of you that know me, that is a fairly epic happening in and of itself.

And she was right, in a way.

Not in the sense that my love for her is all about me.  Truth be told, the reason I love her most is because that at times, she seems so happy to be with me, which I’ve never felt from another person (at least to that degree), and I find myself striving to give her that true piece of enjoyment in life.  Its a humbling experience for me, a selfish man who has lived life in a risky way, done more than my share of bad things, and have trained myself not to be afraid nor feel pain, to realize that the happiness of this small, Asian woman is more important to me than anything else.

Back to the point, she was right in the sense that people look too much to gaining their own satisfaction from love.  They find a partner that they are truly happy with and define that as the reason they love.  But love is more than that.  (Take this with a grain of salt people.  I’m 21, and though I’ve experienced far more and far worse than I should have at this point, I’m still a relative whelp.)

Love, to me, isn’t about finding the person that makes you happy.  Its about finding the person who you can be happy with together.  I know, its cheesy and probably splitting hairs, but I mean it.  If every couple stopped for just five minutes to concern themselves with the happiness of their counterpart, can you imagine what would happen to the divorce rate? The domestic violence statistic? The perspective of sexual predators?  Its probably very naive of me to think that such major problems in our country could be affected by such a concept, but isn’t the very possibility worth trying for?

So, for any of you that read this today, take five minutes.  Think about whether or not you are doing what you can to contribute to your significant other’s happiness.  Maybe we can show everyone what love truly is.

Oh, and so I don’t discriminate against people in Utah and Texas, you can replace “significant other’s” with “significant others’.”

And yes, I took a shot a polygamists.  What the fuck are you going to do about it?

I have trouble finding you right now.  You feel distant.  Your mind seems elsewhere.  Come back to me, or at least leave breadcrumbs.

I made the u turn because there were cars coming and I didn’t want to sit there forever waiting to turn.  I came home because my brother lied and screwed me over.   Yes, I have a close family and obligations that come with.

But why him?  He treated you like you don’t exist.  He wouldn’t even refer to you as a girlfriend.  He married another woman and expected you to be submissive regardless.

I love you so much, he never loved you at all.

I really need to work on my romantic lines.  I’m rusty like a tire iron that’s been soaked in rain for a week.

I couldn’t even get my girlfriend to respond to my latest attempt to be mushy.  Hehe, it was a good laugh when I re-read it though.  I probably should keep those spontaneous admissions of love to myself, or at least save them until they can be refined a bit

Anywho, its been a while since I posted and I have updates on the nerdy front.

1) Devil May Cry 4 demo came out today.  VERY bland demo.  Graphics were great, controls were tight, but there were only two very easy levels and they didn’t take longer than 10 minutes each.   60fps is awesome, btw.  It played even faster and smoother than DMC3, despite the massive graphics overhaul.  Bravo Capcom.  I eagerly await most demon slaying.

2) RIP, Heath Ledger.  You will be missed.  After only maybe 15 seconds of you in the Dark Knight trailer, I already want to give you the Oscar.

3)  Warhammer 40k 5th edition has been leaked, and I finally got a copy.  Really happy in some areas, disappointed in others.  Powerfists need to be changed.  How is a human with an oversized fist able to hurt a giant demon as easily as the Avatar of the Bloody-Handed War God?  +2 Strength, -1 Initiative anyone?  Why can’t a several thousand horsepower tank move faster than an eldar painter?  On the other hand, the Run rule was sorely needed, as were the changes to Rending and Reserves.

That’s it for now.  Good luck and godspeed.  For some reason, I have the feeling we’ll all need luck in the coming days.

WHAT I WOULD SAY

I would say you are the prettiest creature on earth.

I would say you fill my life with happiness, joy, and mirth.

In my eyes only you are deserving of such praise,

Beautiful woman, she who draws my gaze.

I would say I am scared, frightened that we are wrong,

I would say I worry that our time will not be long.

Yet you fill me with courage and strength,

Enough to make a wishful poet draw on at length.

I would say I will be with you till we no longer expect the sun,

I would say even then, our time together will not be done.

But I think for now “I love you” is what I will say,

Holding you close as we let time pass away.